It is time for an updated blog. As a matter of fact. It is long over due. My husband was able to be at home until May of this year. He is since waiting in the hospital rehab for a spot in one of the carehomes. He has accepted the fact that it was impossible to care for him at home, even with the help of homecare. How have I accepted it? Some days better than others. It feels like I am a "half" widow. I go and see him twice every day, but when I come home there is only the dog to greet me. For the rest, the house is an empty place.
We are very thankful that we have each other still and the neurologist had his timing wrong. We are living about 1 1/2 years overtime, but the quality of my husband's physical life is almost gone. However his mind is still clear most of the time, which is a blessing.
I made a big trip in July (by myself) to visit my children in Alberta and B.C. and was able to attend the wedding of my granddaughter in Cranbrook. It took so much out of me, all this travel by bus, plane and car that it took me longer than normal to get back into my routine and I could not bring up the strength for another trip to Edmonton (writer's conference). Age is creeping up and I need to space myself.
The Lord has been so faithful during this year and has given me peace and strength day by day.
We'l see what tomorrow brings. It is all in the Lord's hands and the best place to leave it.

A new post for a new season. We're waiting out the old year, 2015, to start a brand new year, 2016. We do not know what the new year will bring us. Will it be an other year for my husband to be cared for at home, or maybe part of the year? He could still outlive me. We are both elderly and our time is in God's wise bestowment. We have learned to live one day at a time and some days are better than others.
 However I like to plan and have reserved a spot in the care home for Walter the end of February so I can take a break and visit the children. There is only one room available in the whole valley for respite and it is used often. If plans need to be changed, so be it.
I have also told my granddaughter that I plan to be at her wedding in July. I am excited to see her getting married.
We'll wait the hour to march into the new year and straight to bed. We are so thankful that we still are together in our home. To God be the glory.

It's hard to believe that the last time I wrote the snow was disappearing and now the snow is back again. It is winter again and the stores are filled with Christmas gifts and decorations. Even my Facebook is cluttered with advertising.
Even though there are just the two of us time seems to be sliding by quickly. I was able to see some of the new additions to our family and watched my granddaughter's husband graduate from the RCMP depot in Regina.
Another highlight was to attend the Inscribe Fall conference in Edmonton. Wonderful to see my writer friends an attend some great workshops.
My husband who suffers from a neurological disease was willing to go to the care home during the time that I was away. He is living overtime (at least 8 months) if we adhere to a verdict of the neurologist. He is still at home and with the help of homecare we are surviving. It is too bad that we can not go places anymore together because he is too weak. I tell anyone who will listen to do things together with your husband as long as you can. We are old and content just to be together at home. I do get a break when I need it.
God is in control and He guides us just one step at a time. He gives us a peace that passes all understanding.
I will try to keep in touch more often. God bless you all

It is a nice sunny day and the snow is pretty well gone in our town. The two weeks that I was away took care of that. Now it is the middle of April and we are all looking forward to the warm weather of summer. People are buying their seeds to be ready for planting season. The farmers are getting their seeds ready and the machinery so they can go on the field soon.
My husband is still with us and we are thankful. When I took a break (had a ride to Alberta) Walter spent time in the care home. It was not pleasant when the whole building was quarantined because of a flue outbreak. It was a lonely time for him. He was glad to go home again.
Yesterday he was determined to go to the bank. He still wants to do some things himself. It was a mistake, he later confessed, because he could hardly move. When we came out of the bank we met a friend whose wife is ill and he is taking care of her. The words that uplifted me were "I feel for you. I know what you are going through." Nobody ever told me that. The thought came to me that it would be nice if there was a support group of caregivers who spent almost full time caring for their spouses. We could share our predicaments and our disappointments and also our blessings. We could also pray together for strength to endure. The Lord is faithful and will guide and direct us, but sometimes a human touch will go a long way. I am sure I am not the only one who is a caregiver for a spouse or even a child. It is wonderful that my husband is still alive and we were able to celebrate his 85th birthday with a nice party and supper with family and close friends. The doctor's diagnoses was wrong and I am thankful for each day that we have together. I need to lean on the Lord for every step I take, even when I have a sleepless night and am so very tired.
Our dog can be a nuisance, but is also very caring. I had fallen asleep in my chair and Walter called me from the bathroom. I woke up when Kiki jumped on my lap and woke me up. Apparently my husband had told her to go and get me, and she sure did. A faithful pooch she is.
Maybe someone you know needs a word of encouragement. Lets us not forget our obligation to God. He will take care of us and never leave us nor forsake us, but we need to pass on some of His love to those around us.
These are my thoughts for this season. 

Not looking back, but keep going.

When I have not written for awhile, not counting my weekly little devotionals , my heart urges me to write again. I will not look back at the date that I wrote on my blog last. I just want to keep going. Life has its ups and downs but with Christ aboard our vessel we can over come and be blessed from day to day. One of my children suggested to write each day in my journal one item of thanksgiving. It is uplifting to do so, because each day has its blessings. We just do not see them or count them.
Today the sun is shining and the snow is melting. It really feels that spring is not far away. When I look at the pictures on my walls and shelves I realize how rich I am with my family. My husband has a neurological disease which is shredding his body apart. His mobility is very poor and it is beginning to rob him from enjoying life. Some of his organs are not working properly anymore which is devastating for him. Still we can see how the Lord protects him when we have to go out somewhere and there are no falls or mishaps. As long we are open to see His protection and guidance. The prognosis is poor, but doctors have been wrong before and we rely on a Holy God who makes the rules about living and dying.
It has taught me to look around and see the needs in our town. There are many lonely people, who are housebound because of age and infirmities. I see it now in my own home. People are afraid to take my husband out because of his poor mobility, but the business of life breaks down communication and visitation. Many elderly people have no family here and some spent days on end in bed or in a chair. How can we help them? I try, but now I feel my place is at home with my husband who is also lonely for visitors.
We need to pray that the Lord will stir hearts and bring about commitment to seek contact with the elderly in our communities. It is not until we experience it ourselves that we see the need around us.
My heart is hurting.

Investigate before you decide.

It is always nice when something exciting happens in the family. I found out that a Dutch writer wrote a book about the family background of my first husband. He passed away more than 30 years ago but I stay in close touch with the family. Of course I want to have a copy of this book. The only setback is that it is written in Dutch and my children do not read any Dutch. I asked the author permission to translate some parts of the book that would be of interest to my children. He gave me that permission freely.
It is a very expensive book and I want to pay my brother-in-law the cost of the book. No problem. I go to the bank and get a banknote for the amount of the book in Euros. About a week later my brother-in-law phones and tells me that it will cost him 25 Euros to cash the banknote of 52 Euros. He did not feel right to do this and was suggesting a different way of doing this. His son his coming to Canada this Christmas and visit my youngest son in B.C. He will bring the book and I will work things out with my son. Sounds like a good plan so I tell him to tear up the banknote and I will go to my bank to cancel the note.
When I go to the bank with my request they tell me that it will cost me $ 20.00 to cancel this note. Unreal. I debate (maybe argue) a little and they say that they will wave the fine. They propose this fine, because head-office has to investigate that the note indeed was not cashed. If the note would have been returned I could just have cancelled it at the bank.  Ok, I phone my brother-in-law in Holland again. He just finished tearing up the note (in little pieces) and put it in the garbage. He just wanted to make sure that nobody could dig up the pieces, putting them together and cash it. Just for me he was willing to dig the pieces of banknote out of the garbage, put them in an envelope and send them to me. I now have prove in case they do not want to wave the fine on this end. Nobody ever told us anything about fines, either in Holland or in Canada.
We all had a good laugh and learned a very valuable lesson. Investigate before you beside.
A new job is waiting me with the translation of parts of the book for my children.
When I phoned my brother-in-law the other day for his birthday he told me that the "snippertjes" (little pieces) are on its way. The Lord has given us common sense and it will all work out for the best.

Trust

When do we trust a prognosis from a doctor? My husband has a neurological disease which impairs his mobility and takes away his strength bit by bit. The last time we went to see the neurologist he told us that he would give my husband six to nine months to live. We better prepare our future, according to him. We were stunned with this verdict. It was like a death sentence. This happened 2 1/2 months ago. Should we believe this doctor? We have heard over and over from other people that you can not trust a prognosis, because the doctors have been wrong so many times. We know now that if we make it till the new year we have broken the six months. If we make it till his 85th birthday the end of next March, we have broken the nine months prognosis.
However we refused to live that way. We are blessed every morning when we wake up and still have breakfast together. We are happy that we can still be together in our home. We know that God is in control and we will accept His prognosis for our life. Our future is secured, we know that Heaven  is waiting and we can still enjoy peace and rest together. We are still so blessed knowing Who is in charge and Who we can trust.
The doctor could be right or wrong. We do not care, but just live one day at a time and enjoy each other.

Fall is just around the corner

It is about time that I put down a new post.
Many things do happen in more than two years. That was the last time I posted a blog.
It is the first of September, the wind is blowing, clouds are filling the sky and it feels like fall is just around the corner. Most farmers in our area are behind schedule because of a very wet spring which meant a late seeding and then more and more rain. They are anxious to go out on the field and start their harvest.
 I see many pictures of people who are putting the produce of their garden up and have some canning done. I am thrilled to see the younger generation starting up this great time consuming task.
I remember it was my mother-in-law's hobby to have the shelves in her pantry full with jars of vegetables. She looked at them with pride and all she really did was giving them away to family and friends. It just gave her such a feeling of satisfaction and her face would shine with glory over another task accomplished.
We are not all like that. I love my indoor garden and have a sun-room full with plants and in the winter time the geraniums from my deck are still added to it.
Well I made some jars with applesauce from my neighbor's apples and froze them and some jam from raspberries someone gave me. My claim is that we live in town, half our backyard is parking, we have a three-car garage and the rest is for the dog. She needs some room to run too.
What I do enjoy is making slippers. It is an easy pattern and I can even watch t.v. and make them. On my trip to B.C., when I went to see my family,  I took 18 pairs with me and was still two pairs short, because even some of the grandsons liked them also. I crochet extra big ones with double yarn for the auxiliary of the hospital. People who have had surgery on their leg or foot like the big sizes. I always have a pair on the go.
It is productive, it kills time and this way I can spend much time with my husband who is pretty well housebound  with a fatal disease. He farmed for more that 60 years but is not able to do this anymore. I am thankful that we still have each other and can be together this way.
One desire of my heart the Lord provided for me. After the children were grown I had hoped to be able to sleep in, but an active farmer gets up early in the morning and goes to bed late. Now that my husband is home all the time we get up late, enjoy our breakfast together, have our daily devotions and the morning is more than half gone. I love it because I am not a morning person.
God is good, if we know Him and are able to accept what He has in store for us. He will give us the desires of our heart in His time.

Answered prayer

Does God answer prayer? Yes, he answers lifesaving prayers, but also small, to many insignificant prayers. Both answers came to me last week. I had to undergo some minor surgery and the surgeon promised to leave me a note to say what had been done and what the result was. The first line that stood out to me when I read the note after I awoke was "benign." She did not even want to see me again unless I had further problems. I was ready to jump off the bed. To me this was the best answer I could get from a doctor and to me it meant a new lease on life and to be able to continue what I so much enjoy, like my reading, writing, crafts and music. 

By now it was 5 pm and I had not eaten or drank anything for 20 hours. Oh, did I ever have a craving for a milkshake to quench my thirst and stop the growling in my stomach. At 5 pm it is extremely busy on Main street in Winnipeg and I did not say anything to my husband when I saw a big M on the left side of the street. He would probably have made a U-turn to please me. I prayed that if the Lord would provide a big M at the right side of Main street I would ask my husband to stop so I could get a milkshake. Would you believe it that when we were almost at the Perimeter, where we had to turn off, there I saw a big M? Yes, it was easy to get there and the milkshake never tasted so good and quieted my stomach until we came to our daughter's home, where supper waited.. 

I thanked the Lord for answering my prayers twice that day. Yes, He answers prayers, great and small.

Answered prayer

Does God answer prayer? Yes, he answers lifesaving prayers, but also small, to many insignificant prayers. Both answers came to me last week. I had to undergo some minor surgery and the surgeon promised to leave me a note to say what had been done and what the result was. The first line that stood out to me when I read the note after I awoke was "benign." She did not even want to see me again unless I had further problems. I was ready to jump off the bed. To me this was the best answer I could get from a doctor and to me it meant a new lease on life and to be able to continue what I so much enjoy, like my reading, writing, crafts and music. 

By now it was 5 pm and I had not eaten or drank anything for 20 hours. Oh, did I ever have a craving for a milkshake to quench my thirst and stop the growling in my stomach. At 5 pm it is extremely busy on Main street in Winnipeg and I did not say anything to my husband when I saw a big M on the left side of the street. He would probably have made a U-turn to please me. I prayed that if the Lord would provide a big M at the right side of Main street I would ask my husband to stop so I could get a milkshake. Would you believe it that when we were almost at the Perimeter, where we had to turn off, there I saw a big M? Yes, it was easy to get there and the milkshake never tasted so good and quieted my stomach until we came to our daughter's home, where supper waited.. 

I thanked the Lord for answering my prayers twice that day. Yes, He answers prayers, great and small.

Time flies

Sometimes we are too busy

It feels like I am driven. It is difficult to explain. Time seems rushing by and my daily schedule is overwhelming. How can I find time to practice my pieces for Community Band or our church orchestra? The concerts will be in a few weeks. My homework is not done yet for the drawing course I am "trying" to take.

Sometimes I overbook a meeting and have to make a choice which one I should attend.

Medical appointments (out of town) for my husband have broken up my routine and today (Wednesday) I am doing laundry, which I normally do Mondays. I even missed sending one of my newspaper articles.

I know what is driving me. I enjoy all the things I am doing and try to squeeze in any many as possible, for as long as the Lord will give me health and strength. Some of the things I am doing now, like the music, my writing and my crafts and volunteering in the care homes, I enjoy tremendously and would not like to have to give up.

However in a few weeks my age will be three quarters of a century and I do not know how much time I have left. The activities I am doing now I could either not afford years ago, or did not have the time because I was raising a family and foster children.

I am convinced that the Lord is in control of my life and could stop me from doing these things at any time, but He knows that whatever I do I want to glorify and honour Him. When I participated in a girlsclub we learned the verse from Colossians 3:17 "And whatever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him." Even in a secular situation, like the Community Band, I know that the Christians do influence the atmosphere (I do not hear anymore dirty jokes and swear words).

I just wanted to share with you what is driving me these days and the reason why.

Maybe someone can relate ..........

The Inscribe Fall conference

It is almost two o'clock and I am ready to go. The suite case is packed, the plants have been watered and my little dog is at the neighbour. My birds have also been cleaned, fed and watered and my husband's lunches for five days are waiting in the fridge. Now what do I do? I need to wait two hours before my husband will be home to take me to the bus. I sometimes wonder if I was born early, because wherever I need to go I always like to be there ahead of time. I am always early everywhere I go. Maybe this is a good time to put some of my thoughts on paper. The computer is the last thing that I will shut down. However to stay in touch I bring my little netbook.

I am very thankful that I only have to travel by bus to Saskatoon, approx. six hours from where I live. From there I share a ride with my friend. This will help us both because we can share the cost of the trip and we will have great fellowship together. On Friday morning we plan to leave bright and early so that we can be in time in Wetaskewin. As you can see it is quite an undertaking, but I am looking forward to see some of my friends at the conference and I need to be motivated again. My enthusiasm is at a low at the moment.

However the last few weeks I learned something valuable (we are never too old to learn). I was at a meeting which could be upsetting for me. I found out that as I started to take notes I felt at peace and was prevented from opening my mouth and maybe say something I would regret later. It was an eyeopener, so from now on my notebook will go wherever I go.

After the conference we travel to Edmonton, where Sheri will visit her daughter for a few days and my daughter, who lives in Whitecourt will pick me up and I can spend a few days at her place. I will also see my other daughter, my grand daughters and my sweet little great grand daughters. We might even go swimming I am told. My bathing suit is packed. I am so blessed that I can make this trip and us girls can spend some time together. When I come back the harvest is probable in the bin and my husband will be happy too. He does not mind that I go away to see the children and do some of my own things. That is a blessing.

On Tuesday morning very early my daughter will bring me back to Edmonton and I catch my ride back to Saskatoon, spend the night at my friend's house and catch the bus to go home the next morning.

It will be a packed, but wonderful trip and I wish you all could join me and share my blessings with me.

I am Free!

Yes, I am free indeed. This little phrase keeps buzzing through my head as we drive the highway on our way from Manitoba to Alberta. I keep saying this verse in John 8:36 repeatedly: "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." The Lord Jesus Christ set me free from being a slave to sin, so now I do not need to worry about anything, because He is in control. It seems that since I am getting older, life becomes more worry some. My husband is a good driver and very confident, sometimes a bit over confident, I think. I did come to the point that I was not willing to drive long distances with him any more. We talked it over and prayed about it and came to a sacrificial agreement: we will not drive 1000 km in one day anymore (from Swan River, MB to Edmonton, AB). So we put it through the test last week. I still had to remind myself that I AM FREE on several occasions and ask the Lord to take away my worry. But the glorious result was that every time I prayed He gave me the peace that I needed to enjoy our trip away from home. We went from home to North Battleford, from there to Edmonton, then to Valleyview, back to Whitecourt, back to Edmonton, then to Saskatoon where we attended a conference (including a cruise on the river) and home from there. All this in ten days and we had a wonderful time with family and friends and just being together on the road. God wants us to be free from any worry or oppression so we can enjoy life to the fullest and share with others what God is doing for us.

The last few nights I had some scary dreams. Last night I was sure that a man was standing in the door opening of our bedroom. When I looked again, he was gone. Again I prayed that the Lord would set me free from those strange dreams and I commanded this whatever I saw to get out of our home and disappear into the pit. The same peace that I received when we were travelling came over me again and I had a restful sleep. This morning I praised and glorified God for His faithfulness. It strengthened my faith and it is wonderful to experience this "peace of God which transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7).

Blog, blog and more blog. Why did I not get out of bed last night and wrote down what was on my mind. The urge was there, but then I was too lazy to get up. Sometimes I think that I should not be writing anymore. I am not producing any books or win any prizes at contests.
Then someone will come up to me and tell me that she enjoyed my little article in the local paper. I guess we all need encouragement at times and I know that eventually I will be driven to write again. This blog is all about "I", but it is good sometimes to spill the beans and let the fingers write what is flowing out of one's heart. This is my contribution for to-day. It feels good to have written it down and I hope someone will read it and understand my feelings.

Last October, right after Thanksgivings Day I wrote a blog about a car accident where one girl was severely hurt. She spent months in hospital, underwent several operations and still has to have another operation on her back and two on her knees. She is going back to see both specialists this week. She wrote on Facebook and asked for prayer. Her plan for this summer is to be the assistant director in a Bible Camp. She will share this position with another young lady, because she is limited in her movements. The Board will provide whatever she needs to make her stay at Bible Camp work for her. In September she hopes to go back to Bible College and make up for the year she lost because of the accident. Her prayer request is that none of the operations will happen during camp time or when she will be back in Bible School. The testimony this young lady has is indescribable when you think of all the suffering she went through (even a sixteen hour back operation) and the faith she has that the Lord will use her for His glory. She is an example for many. This winter she came back to join our Community Band to play her flute, even when the weather was nasty and she had to use crutches to stay mobile. I praise and thank the Lord for this young adult and know that the Lord will use her mightily.

My burden

It is Sunday morning and I have a prayer request to share in our church service. However there is a change and we are asked to pray for any of our own needs. I feel that my request does not fit that category so I start to write down what was in my heart and want to share this in my blog.

This week my burden is heavy for the families who are travelling. It is spring break in Manitoba and families are travelling to visit grandparents and grandparents like to go and enjoy time with children and grandchildren. It is important to pray for those who are on the road. I am also thinking of a group of senior high school children who are in Europe during this break and are performing some of their band music. Are they socializing in a manner that is not only honoring to their country, but also to the Lord? Because the Lord has burdened my heart I need to pray.

Of course I have needs too, but it is not always easy to share with others. When I think of travelling I feel anxious. The older I get the more that travelling becomes a burdensome experience. My husband is a confident driver, maybe a bit over confident, according to my thinking. He will never admit that. Going to an airport is an overwhelming experience now that we are both well into our senior years. Yes, there is a season for everything as the Bible tells us. I need to commit these thoughts of my own heart to the Lord, and above all, leave them there.

The Lord will give us grace to endure and to accept what He has in store for us. "His grace is sufficient."

PRAYER

This past week I spent much time in prayer.

There were prayers of praise, thankfulness and worship when we became great-grandparents of twins. They are healthy and able to go home with their mom after two days. We are looking forward to travel to Alberta to go and see those precious little ones.

This week I shed many a tear when each miner in Chile came up from the mine. Many confessed that their relationship with the Lord changed during the time they were underground. Relationships has been restored and families are back together. We need to keep praying that they will adjust well after this terrible ordeal.

Each day when my husband comes home I ask him if he had a good day out on the field to gather in the crop. If it is a good day we thank and praise the Lord. If the day was not so good and sometimes terrible, we pray for a better day tomorrow. We also thank the Lord for keeping the farmers safe.

Four young people going back to Bible College after celebrating Thanksgiving Day with family at home were involved in a car roll-over and they all got injured. Many people in our town are praying for one girl who was severely hurt. She just underwent 16 hours of surgery to repair her spine. It is overwhelming and almost puzzling to see how the Lord is going to use this mishap to His glory. It brings people together to seek the Lord all through the day.

God honors prayer and will give us a peace that passes all understanding when we seek Him.

God's Hand

This morning I experienced God's Hand after I had written one of my childhood experiences.

When I was still in bed I thought about some of unpleasant memories of my life. The need was there to write them down. I wrote about three pages and let my husband read it off the computer. Then we discussed how I should save it without too many people having access to it. Some people in the story are still living and might have objections. He suggested to delete the whole thing, since I had now followed my heart and wrote it down. I am still thinking about it and suddenly the screensaver gets stuck. This means that I have to restart the computer. Now remember I was still thinking of how to save these three pages, under what heading would be best suitable, so ...... nothing was saved and it was now all gone. The first thought comes to my mind, that this is an answer to a prayer I had not even said yet. The Lord took over and let me have peace with it.

Has any writer ever experienced this, the need to write down something, then not knowing what to do with it and the Lord takes care of it, one way or another? Praise God, He is in control.

Life

Some one wrote, yes, there is life after 40 ..... Oh yes, I know, there is even life after 50 and 60. But what about after 70. Some of us have the privilege to live after the age of 70 years. Three scores and 10, according to the Bible. When I was at International Music camp I was amazed how many pensioners were still going strong on their musical instruments or voice. It was very uplifting.

After being home a week I visited my friend who just moved into a personal care home. She thought she was moving into another apartment and would get full care there. She wondered what she was doing in this place with all these people. When I stepped into her room it felt like I stepped into a cage. It made me think of my birds who have always lived in a cage and do not know any better. This friend of mine has lived a very active life until about a year ago. Her memory was beginning to slip and some physical problems began to surface. She is not much older than me.

Is that what is waiting for me, being left in a personal care home. I know the care will be excellent, but all you have is your one room and no privacy, no lock on the door .....

The threat gave me a downward look on life and I felt down the rest of the day. On one hand it is a "downer" but on the other hand it spurs me on to do the things I still want to do in life, if the Lord will let me. It is such a comfort to know that God is in control of my life. Nothing will happen to me without His consent. All I need to do is trust Him. Even writing this blog uplifts me and gives me courage to keep going as long as I can. Thank you Lord for the comfort you give.

As David puts it so rightly in Psalm 121:8 "The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." What a precious promise to hang on to.